Hi there. For a year, I’ve been on a leave of absence from the company I co-founded, and absent from social media. I’d stay that way, but part of being accountable is the accounting of things, and a year is enough time to figure out something to say. I’ll try to do that here. I’m leaving out all names, and ask others to do so, because I don’t want anyone coming down on anyone else. If you want to get into a fight, please do it elsewhere.
This year has been challenging. A year ago, I was in dental surgery when my phone blew up, because a valued colleague blasted me for a laundry list of my personal failings. I was too medicated to reply, and by the time I did, my reputation and friendships were both deeply damaged. I needed to try to fix those injuries I caused.
Some of what was said I agreed with. Other things I didn’t. Regardless, it deserved apologies, so I apologized unreservedly to the person who made the post and to several others in public or in private. Then I folded the tent.
I’m still on leave and don’t know when I’m coming back. I’m avoiding any management or public responsibilities till I figure out how to do it in a healthier way. Mostly, I’m embarrassed and sad about the whole thing. Some people I cared about are now strangers. That’s all on me. When someone you respect takes the public risk of enumerating your faults for the world to see, you screwed that up, not them.
I haven’t apologized to everyone who merits it. I expect some people wouldn’t like the outreach. That’s fair. An apology that’s for me, because I want to hear myself say it, is not an apology at all. Some of these wounds might never heal, and that’s my fault.
I’m not comfortable talking about this next part, but it’d be dishonest not to. I’m still struggling. I’ve been dealing with panic attacks and discomfort around people, though I’m getting better on that front. I’m still in therapy, as I have been for four years, dealing with all these issues. That’s my thing, and I prefer to keep the rest of the details private.
I’ve had some good moments in the last year too. I’ve written a lot of good stuff and have helped my teammates out when asked. I’ve spent a lot of time with my wife and dog. Some great friends and colleagues stood in for me and supported me as I’ve gotten to this interim state.
If you’ve made it this far, I appreciate your kindness. I’ll aim to be better the next time I see you.